“There are only four kinds of people in this world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregivers. Caregiving is universal.” — Rosalynn Carter, Former First Lady of the United States.
Did you know one in every four adults is a caregiver? Of those, nearly one-third are part of the “sandwich generation” — people who care for both children and aging adults simultaneously. While caregiving is a noble and meaningful role, it’s far from easy.
In recognition of National Caregiver Appreciation Month this November, we spoke with a current sandwich generation caregiver to better understand the realities of caregiving — and how to find help when it’s needed most.
The Weight of the Sandwich Generation
Life can feel like it has reached a crescendo when you’ve become part of the sandwich generation. Across gender, age, and income levels, many caregivers share the same emotions, with guilt, fear, and frustration often rising to the top.
“I just feel so guilty,” sighed H., a woman caring for her elderly father, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. She feels conflicted for having normal but difficult emotions about her dad. His dementia diagnosis has left him increasingly agitated. “He’s often angry, and it’s difficult to be around him,” she says. “Then, I feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with him.”
The irony is that, like many caregivers, H. already devotes a great deal of time to her father. From small acts like keeping him stocked with his favorite tissues to the larger task of finding the best independent living facility, she’s always two steps ahead.
“It’s almost like when you have a young child, except this is my parent, so it’s more complicated,” she explains. “You expect a young child to need lots of care. The role reversal of caring for your parents is completely different.”
Grieving What Was
For H., one of the hardest parts of caregiving is the grief that comes with watching a parent decline.
“I miss my dad,” she says tearfully. “He’s still here physically, but the person he was is gone, and that’s so hard. I’m grieving who he was, while trying to accept who he is now.”
She pauses before adding, “This isn’t how I want to remember him, how I want my kids to remember him.”
Support & Self-Care
Respite has been vital for H., as well as for many others navigating this season of life. “I don’t know what I’d do without Jessica,” she says, referring to Jessica Wilson, MSW, CDP, her dad’s geriatric care manager who provides invaluable support. “Just knowing she’s there takes some of the pressure off of me, because it really is just so much to carry.”
Jessica attends doctor’s appointments, checks in on H.’s father both in person and by phone, advises on care decisions, and acts as an extra set of eyes and ears. “I feel so much better knowing she’s there,” H. smiles.
For others walking this same path, H.’s advice is simple: self-care.
“Whatever it is, make time regularly to do something just for yourself,” she says. “It’s like the oxygen mask on the airplane: whoever it is who needs to be taken care of—my dad, my teenagers—I can’t help them unless I’m okay.”
If you could benefit from having an expert partner in assisting in the care of your aging relative, please reach out to us for a FREE 15-minute consultation.