Images of the holidays often depict joyful family gatherings full of smiles, laughter and togetherness. While that may be an accurate representation of some families, it’s not the norm for almost a quarter of adults living in the United States. According to a survey conducted by leading family estrangement researcher Dr. Karl Pillemer, 27% of Americans 18 and older had cut off contact with a family member- that translates to at least 67 million people nationally.

“Estrangement is everywhere, and it’s the thing we don’t talk about,” says Rabbi Judith Beiner, JF&CS Community Chaplain. Rabbi Beiner has been leading family estrangement support groups for years, and the staggering numbers from Pillemer’s research are consistent with her experience. We asked Rabbi Beiner to provide some insight into the difficulty of estrangement, and advice for coping with the strong feelings it brings.

Strong Feelings

There are as many reasons for estrangement as there are people, and every situation is unique; one thing Rabbi Beiner sees that they all have in common is that estrangement is a type of grief. As with all kinds of grief, people are left with unanswered questions—the trick, she says, is learning how to let the past stay where it is and focus on building a relationship moving forward.

“We think we need understanding in order to move on, but we really don’t,” says Rabbi Beiner. “Many times, people are still fighting with their parents or siblings about things that happened 10, 20 years ago—but nobody is the same as they were then! Everybody gets to change.”

Additionally, “we need to remember that people are more than the one thing we don’t like about them,” advises Rabbi Beiner. “There is a whole world in which we don’t know these people in our lives in the ways we thought we did, and their lives don’t all revolve around us. Your mother is more in life than just your mother, your friends are more than just your friends. Challenge yourself to take a birds-eye view of the situation.”

Ther’s a lot of fear for adult children—it’s scary to see your parents age and to step into the adult role. There’s also a lot of fear for the older adults around needing things from their adult children, and the shift in the relationship as they age.

“Have a conversation with the elder parent to talk about the shift,” suggests Rabbi Beiner. “That can be a really difficult thing, and that’s why we have Geriatric Care Managers and counselors to help. A big part of successful ‘adulting’ is expressing yourself kindly and honestly and being prepared for a response. When two people can engage in a conversation, they can come to an understanding.”

Coming to Acceptance

When there’s conflict, start by trying to see your own role in it, rather than labelling the other person as entirely the problem. Decide what you’re willing to handle and set up boundaries that feel comfortable for you.

Often, setting boundaries and having boundaries put in place leads to “feelings of grief, guilt and shame,” said Rabbi Beiner. “Most women in particular feel like, ‘what kind of mother am I if my children won’t talk to me?’ It can be difficult to get people to even attend the estrangement groups, because of the shame.”

“I don’t know any human being, even the best of human beings, who isn’t going to reach the end of their life and feel guilty about something,” she continued. “It’s a normal feeling, as long as it’s not destructive. It’s something you learn to carry, along with all the other emotions.”

“It’s not a cure-all but getting outside yourself and your situation by doing something good for somebody else is an antidote for the negative that we feel,” she concludes. “The elderly person in the nursing home that you’re visiting doesn’t know or care about the fight you just had with your sister, they’re just really happy to see you. When you leave your own stuff at the door, your world opens up; we can all learn how to navigate guilt and shame in nondestructive ways to combat our worst experiences.”

Rabbi Beiner is offering virtual Family Estrangement Support Groups in the New Year. Reach out to chaplain@jfcsatl.org if interested.