This month’s question:

My 12-year-old daughter, let's call her "Lily," has always been sweet and kind--until this year. She's started showing signs of being a "mean girl." Her elementary school friends went to the local middle school this year, while Lily tested into a school for high achievers. She's beginning to act arrogant, bragging about her talents and accomplishments and teasing her younger siblings when she beats them at games, gets better grades, etc.

At her old school, Lily was liked and had friends, but at the new school she is becoming really popular. One girl from her elementary school is also at the new school and Lily isn't being kind to her, only engaging with her when she needs something and otherwise leaving her "on read."

I'm concerned because these are all unusual behaviors for my daughter, not to mention we are very involved parents! We spend so much time talking with our kids about the golden rule and live it out.

How do I stop Lily from becoming a "mean girl?"

Signed,
Concerned Mom

This month’s answer:

Dear Concerned Mom,

It’s clear you care deeply about your daughter and are already setting a positive example for her with the values you teach. It sounds like Lily is navigating some big changes in her life right now, and these shifts — new school, new environment, and new social dynamics — can bring up a lot of pressure to fit in, which may be influencing her behavior. At 12, children are at a developmental stage where peer relationships and social status often become central to their identity. From what you’ve shared, it seems she might be dealing with insecurities and a growing need for control as she adjusts to a new and unfamiliar environment.

Here are a few strategies to help:

Insecurity and Control: Lily's bragging may be her way of managing insecurities. When facing new challenges, kids might put others down to feel more secure. Encourage her to express insecurities in healthier ways and remind her it’s okay to feel unsure sometimes.

Reconnect with Empathy: Lily may be so focused on fitting in that she’s losing sight of how her actions affect others. Encourage her to think about how her behavior impacts her relationships, like asking, “How do you think your friend feels when you don’t reach out?” “How do you feel when you are left “on read”?

Create Space for Vulnerability: Lily might suppress vulnerability to protect her image. Create space for her to talk about challenges, showing that vulnerability is a strength, not something to hide behind arrogance.

• Create a safe space for her to open up. For example, you might say, “I know you’re really good at a lot of things, but we all have moments where we feel uncertain or nervous. I’ve had times where I felt unsure about something, and it was okay to admit that. Want to talk about a time when you felt challenged by something?”
• Normalize Vulnerability: Explain, “Being able to say, ‘I don’t know how to do this yet,’ or ‘I’m struggling with this,’ is actually a really strong thing to do. It shows you’re brave enough to ask for help and grow.”

Model Healthy Behavior: Continue modeling empathy, humility, and kindness. Share examples of how you handle situations with care, showing that true self-worth comes from treating others well and staying authentic.

• Scenario: Lily might witness you interacting with others and making mistakes.
• Response: Share how you handle such moments. For instance, “Today at work, I made a mistake in front of my colleagues. At first, I felt embarrassed, but then I took a deep breath and said, ‘I made a mistake, and I’ll fix it.’ It felt better to just be honest and kind about it.”
• Modeling Empathy and Humility: You could also say, “I think it’s really important to treat people the way I want to be treated. When I see someone having a hard time, I try to help them or just listen. How would you feel if you were in that situation?”

Example of Kindness: You might also tell a story about how you helped someone or showed kindness, emphasizing, “I really believe that helping others and showing kindness is what makes me feel good about myself.”